Post your whacko interviews of Diesel characters!

Author: Magicflute
Just another brainfart of mine...

New Game, would love it if you could join in? Post the whackiest interviews you can think off. One condition - the interviewed has to be a Diesel character!

Forrest Gump Interview with Riddick on Sexual Relationships

Forrest Gump (thrusting his hand out): Hello. I’m Forrest, Forrest Gump.

Riddick looks at him, considers not to answer, but finally growls, “Richard B. Riddick. Convict. Murderer.”

Forrest Gump: “That’s a long name you have, Mr Richard B. Riddick Convictmurderer?"

Riddick (to the public): “Is this guy real?” and to Forrest, “Just call me Riddick. Everybody does."

Forrest Gump: “Lieutenant Dan says a have to ask you a few ques-tions Mr Riddick and that if I get them right, you’ll make a man out of me,”

Riddick looks at him, “Did he now?”

Forrest Gump (peers at paper), “It says here, ahh... a – s – k R- i –d-d-i... Riddick, that’s you, w-h-a-t- w-o-m-e-n - l-i-k-e i-n b-e-d... ohhhh he says a have to ask you what women like in bed. That Lieutenant Dan, he’s really nice you know, but he likes his little jokes.

Riddick: ...

Forrest Gump: “Uh... just in case... what do you think women like in bed?”

Riddick: “I’ve never done it in a bed. I just rape them wherever they are.”

Forrest Gump: ...

Forrest Gump: ...

Forrest Gump (curious and in a stagewhisper that can be heard EVERYWHERE): “Mama likes reading and knitting in her bed. And she likes eating chocolate as well.”

Riddick (angry growl): “Are you fucking kidding me?”

Forrest Gump: “They are good chocolates! Mama always says, life is like a box of chocolate, never know what you’re gonna get”

Riddick doesn’t answer but starts playing with a shiv, throwing it in the air and catching it, making it spin on his hand. Meanwhile he keeps staring at Forrest in a worrysome and speculative manner.

Forrest Gump (admirative): “You’ve got a good eye there. Why, when I was in China on the All-American Pingo Pong team, the chinese President told me that I have a good eye for the Ping Pong ball. You know I just loved playing Ping Pong in China with my Flexolite Ping Pong paddle.”

Riddick is a bit lost, but well decided not to let it show. He knows that if he kills this guy now, the wards will put him on bread and water for another week. But he already regrets that he agreed to do this interview. Bred and water suddenly don’t look that bad...

Forrest Gump: "You know a had a friend once, Bubba. And Bubba he was always going on about shrimp, he taught me that shrimp is the fruit of the sea. You can barbecue it, boil it, broil it, bake it, sautee it. Dey's uh, shrimp-kabobs, shrimp creole, shrimp gumbo. Pan fried, deep fried, stir-fried. There's pineapple shrimp, lemon shrimp, coconut shrimp, pepper shrimp, shrimp soup, shrimp stew, shrimp salad, shrimp and potatoes, shrimp burger, shrimp sandwich. That- that's about it.

Riddick: "You know where I'm going to stuff your fucking shrimp if you keep it up?"

Then Riddick remembers about the bread and water thing and decides to give Forrest one last chance. He is now ready to talk about anything. Anything at all. As long as there aren't any shrimps involved. What were they talking about initially... ah that's right... fucking chicks.

Riddick: “Any special woman you want to fuck?”

Forrest: “Ah have asked my Jenny if she wants to marry me...”

Riddick: “I said, do you have a special woman that you want to FUCK. Not marry.”

Forrest (shocked): “But my Mama says that I have to stick to honorable women, honorable women always want to marry the guy they make love with, no?”

Riddick: “What did Jenny say to you when you asked her to marry you?”

Forrest Gump (sad): “Jenny says she doesn’t want to marry me.”

Riddick: “Smart woman. Have you tried to fuck her without marrying her?”

Forrest Gump (suddenly furious and ready to punch Riddick): “Nobody talks like that about my Jenny!”

Riddick rises an unbelieving eyebrow at this clown and barks, “SIT DOWN, Gump.”

Forrest Gump’s military reflex take over, “YES DRILL SERGEANT! ... oh sorry Mr Riddick you sounded just like my drill serg-”

Riddick (cracking his joints and starting to juggle his other shiv): “I get the picture. You’re too fucking stupid to find your own dick.”

Forrest Gump (peeved): “Mama says stupid is as stupid does and that’s all I have to say abo-”

Riddick looks down at him, wipes his shiv clean on his cargo pants and retrieves the box of chocolates. He tries one.

Riddick: “Never could stand those military types.”

Riddick: “Fuck. Somebody put truffles in there. I can’t stand truffles.”

Ward 1 runs in and starts yelling at Riddick for killing another interviewer, “BREAD AND WATER YOU MOTHER, THIS TIME YOU’RE GOING TO THE PIT FOR A WEEK”

Riddick: “About fucking time too. These interviews are inhuman torture, I got rights, you know?”

(The End)

Who wants to do the Barbie interviews Xander Cage interview?