Coming Undone, 1/?, PG-13, PB/RE:A

[Ayabie]

Heya WW-Peep!

 First off, thank you for your fb! And welcome back! Yeah, she's nuttier than a fruitcake at the moment LOL! After everything she's been through if she was sane it would be a miracle. And about the leisurely rivulets rivelets thing I shall think about it. But anyway, thank you for reading!

[StvnsAngel]

One thing- about the water dripping down in leisurely rivulets. I don't think that's consistant with the tone of the narration. That seems like a writer's description, not an out-there Alice's description.

Couldn't help but notice this bit. Shows how everyone's brain works differently huh? Heeeee!

I think in later chapters, you'll notice Alice seems to have a sort of fascination with water. To me, as a reader, this bit is important. Especially after reading later chapters.

Alice is chained up, and has been for god knows how long. She is fed only when they feed her. We take this for granted, being able to eat and drink whenever we feel like it. But someone who has that taken away from them, what's gonna happen? I know if I suddenly had the opportunity stolen from me, whether I was actually thirsty or hungry or not wouldn't matter. I would become thirsty, for the simple fact that I wouldn't be able to drink until they gave me something.

The way I see it with Alice is the same thing. It was taken away from her. We notice she's always got food on her mind. Always wondering when it's time to eat. I think her fascination with water is the same. She'll notice water. She'll constantly be thinking about water.

I probably made no sense there, lol. But I believe her noticing the water is in character given her situation. She is crazy, there's no doubt about that. She's slowly losing her mind because of everything that happened to her.

I mean she has been tortured and locked up and treated like a lab rat. And it's not the first time either. Then she had to deal with all the zombies.  That could make anyone lose their sanity, lol.

I'm not at all trying to be biased. I love my Aya and love her fics. But I always try not to be biased. With anyone really. I just tried to put myself in Alice's place. And to me, it made sense to have her notice the water. And like I said, it fits with later chapters, heeeee.

But everyone's entitled to their own opinion of course. Maybe you'll still feel that it's out of place after reading more chapters, and maybe not. Everyone's mind works differently, heeee.

[Xavienne]

Hmm, I actually thought the water thing worked. She's not allowed to relax or let down her guard but there's that water, drip drip dripping as calm as you please, slow lazy rivulets running down the wall as if it has all the time in the world...

[StvnsAngel]

Hmm, I actually thought the water thing worked. She's not allowed to relax or let down her guard but there's that water, drip drip dripping as calm as you please, slow lazy rivulets running down the wall as if it has all the time in the world...

Ooooooh, I hadn't thought about it that way. The water thing always worked for me, but I looked at it a different way. I like yours, lol.

[Jypzi Knight]

Mistress Aya, you are a genius!  

I've been trying to get to this fic for many, many moons, and now that I've found the time, I'm sure my housework is going to go to hell in a laundrybasket! LOL

Oops ... found a small error ... not sure if it was intentional due to the craziness of the charrie or not, but here it is ...

His voice is a low rumble just like his growls were but what he's saying confuses me more then what's happening.

shouldn't that be than?

"if she's for me, I'm gonna like it here."

Can I be her??

*Hugs Aya and bounces off to find more of this fabulous story!*

[Ayabie]

Katt-peep!!!

First off, thank you soooo much for ya fb! You are THE Katt! Have I mentioned that lately?

Now on to ya points!

shouldn't that be than?

Prob'ly! Consider it all fixed!

Can I be her??

She'd probably like it if somebody else was her LOL!

*big giant hugs!* Once again, ty!

[Nicolina]

Geeeee! Alice, poor Alice, what have they done to you!? I saw that I replied to this over a year ago, I hadn't read C&C then, so it didn't make enough sense to me. Now I'm all tanked with your stories and your Alice-verse and I can't wait to catch up.

Particularily liked this, it made me giggle:

caramel-colored-but-not-food guy suddenly speaks

Nic.

[Ayabie]

Nic-Peep!!!

First off, thank you so much for ya fb, not only here but for C&C too! I am so honored that ya read'em! (And didn't run away screamin' "My eyes, my eyes!!!") I be all in awe over here! *big giant hugs!* So yeah, thank you very much!

Particularily liked this, it made me giggle:

caramel-colored-but-not-food guy suddenly speaks

I'm glad ya liked it!

[Tealady]

Oh.  Wow. . . . Ayabie, I read in one of the commentaries on “Stop Talking” that the commenter didn’t understand why you are afraid you can’t write.  I second, third, fourth, ad-infinitum that!

Good grief, Ayabie.  This is riveting, and as I’ve stated elsewhere, I am not generally fond of first-person.  (Though maybe my distaste for it is because I was never reading well-done first-person until I found the AoVD site!)

There is so much well-done about this piece that I cannot even single out anything to say, “That was so well-put,” or “The way you strung together these particular words was beyond perfect!” or . . . Well, I’m sure that I’m going to go on to read the feedback and find that others have already done a splendid job of pointing out all the excelsior bits.

I loved that opening passage about mirrors.  It sank its claws into my brain and pulled me in.  If I had not already planned on reading the whole thing, I would have had no choice after that.  No mercy.  Just sucked me right in.

And . . . ::shakes head and chuckles ruefully:: . . . I also loved the gravelly-intoned introductory remark from our favorite caramel-colored man with lightning eyes!  How utterly Riddick.

But I’m anxious to find out what’s going on here, so I must keep reading.  Well, pause long enough to read the others’ feedback, even if only to end up saying “Me, too!” at any of their praise since they’ll have no doubt expressed it better than I.  <Have read the feedback, they did say “good job!” better than I, so I’m running along to read more chapters!>

[Ayabie]

TL-Peep!

First off, thank you so much for your fb, tis very muchly appreciated! I would go through points like normal but I'm still in too much awe to say anything but thank you!

[Jamelith]

I don't have to be a patient J this time. (runs off to read more)